Adam & Eve … The Untold Story.

I spent quite a bit of time on historical research last week. Its so weird when your brain takes you off topic; like when you’re lying in bed waiting to drift off to sleep and you start thinking about how far Friday is from Monday but how close Monday is to Friday then the next thing you realize you’re thinking about the cool birthday party your folks gave you when you turned thirteen!


It was just like that with me recently. I was reading about some random writer who suggested that the late great John Lennon was murdered because of a tug-of-war for possession of his spirit/psyche/soul by two alien factions; one wanting peace & the other war. Personally I seldom discount any alien theory no matter how improbable it may seem at first glance. Anyway, I eventually ended up reading “The Forgotten Books of Eden” which forms part of The Lost Books of the Bible.”

I found this version of the creation quite entertaining and at times it almost had me in stitches. It’s a far better one then that which appears in the Bible put together by Constantine and his crew at Nicea.

So Adam & Eve were evicted from the Garden of Eden because of a misdemeanor after Eve was tempted by Satan in the guise of a walking talking serpent. Their new abode was “The Cave of Treasures” situated atop some mountain.

I guess this move must have been quite traumatic for them. I mean in the garden they had plenty of water and the fruit found there “was much larger than the fruit of the land.” Just how much larger I’ll explain later. That and the fact that Adam lost his job as well because not only was he a gardener, he was also a zoologist … he named all the animals didn’t he?

And by the way I forgot to mention that G-d caused a divine wind to carry the walky talky Satan/serpent away and threw it on the seashore and it landed up in India. That’ll learn ya, you walky talky snakey thingee!

But back to the first couple. They must have been in a bad mood after their eviction because when they got to the cave they started muttering/praying in “their own language unknown to us but which they knew well.” Adam started bitching to G-d about the nights being too long, the cave being pitch black inside and that that had no food.

Adam you see was a real dumbass you see. Satan, who must have found his way back from India, kept trying to tempt Adam, while he Satan, was in drag. He appeared to Adam as a beautiful woman, sometimes as several women and at times as an angelic being among other guises. Adam just couldn’t see thru Satan’s disguises so G-d had to keep baling him out. Dam used to sulk a lot too because whenever he couldn’t get his own way or when G-d stopped taking to him, “he fell down on the ground as if dead.” Then his mate had to pray to G-d to bring him back.

G-d must have got sick and tired of Adam’s whinging because he sent the angel Michael “as far as the sea that reaches unto India.” What’s this love affair with India about? There Michael took seventy golden rods which were from the Indian sea where there are precious stones and brought them to Adam. These rods would shine with light and put an end to Adam’s fear of darkness. What a baby!

Remember I said I’d get back to you about the big fruit? Okay. G-d brought Adam and Eve each two branches of a fig tree from the garden. A new wardrobe perhaps? On each branch there were two figs … now get this … the weight of each fig was that of a watermelon! Didn’t I say this was a cool story? So they took the figs and began to eat them, but G-d had put into them a mixture of savory bread (nice) and blood (yuck!) Now maybe that’ll stop your bitching for a while.

Later Eve gave birth to twins; Cain and his sister Luluwa. The meaning of Cain is “hater” … Wow, way to go A & E! And you wonder why he went off the rails ... and Luluwa means “beautiful” because she was more beautiful than her mother. Then another set of twins were born … Abel and his sister Aklia.

And so they all lived together like happy happy cavemen and cavewomen until Cain turned fifteen and Abel twelve. Then Adam had an idea. “We should find wives for them.” Duh! Now that ought to tax his brain. I mean a choice of two, three females if you count mamma. Then he saw the light and announced: “Cain can marry Abel’s twin sister and Abel can marry Cain’s twin sister.”

Anyway they put the marriage thing on hold for a while because the brothers had to sacrifice to G-d. Cain built an elaborate altar for his sacrifice while Abel just threw a few stones together. Then they sat back and waited to see if their offerings would be accepted. Soon a divine fire came down from heaven to accept Abel’s offering but Cain lucked out … no fire for him. Bummer!

Being blown off like this by G-d caused Cain to get seriously miffed off so he invited his brother to take a stroll with him out into a field. Here he wacked Abel with his staff until he was stunned. Abel then apparently told Cain to stop messing about and do a proper job of killing him. “Finish me off with a large stone brother.” Cain obliged and bashed Abel’s brains out with said large stone.

When Cain was seventeen and a half he married his sister Luluwa and they left home to go to the bottom of the mountain. There his sister “bare him children who in their turn began to multiply in degrees until they filled the place.” Like a population explosion.

Meanwhile back atop the mountain Adam and Eve had had any sex for seven years. Then she conceived … I’ll bet …and a beautiful son was born. Oh oh, Luluwa was beautiful and look what happened. Adam named the boy Seth that means … wait for it … “that G-d has heard my prayer and has delivered me out of affliction.” But wait, that’s not all. It also means “power and strength.” And after that A & E never had sex again.

Adam told Seth to marry the late Abel’s twin sister Aklia and when he was fifteen he did so. Now by my reckoning Aklia must have been about twenty two when Seth was born which would have made her about thirty seven when they married. Was Aklia the very first cougar? When Seth was twenty, a son Enos was born plus other children. Enos grew up, married ... Exactly who? … and Cainan was born. Cainan married … Again who? And Mahalaleel was born.

Adam died at the end of 930 years on the 15th day of Barmudeh after the reckoning of the sun at the 9th hour – a Friday, the same day he was created. Seth’s children were named “Children of G-d” they did no earthly work and all they did was praise G-d with psalms and doxologies. All the time they heard the voices of angels when they went on errands or when they were going up to heaven. They lived only 15 “spiritual” cubits from the garden. One “spiritual cubit equals 3 cubits of man. Seems to me they didn’t only grow fruit in the garden! Must have been weed too.

Seth died aged 912 years on the 27th of the month Abib. By now Cain had a large progeny who married frequently being given over to lust so that their land was filled with them. Lameth the Blind was a son of Cain and he in turn had a son named Atun. Hmmm …shades of Ancient Egypt. Atun’s mother was Hazina. One day Lameth was with Atun who was guarding their cattle. Atun was afraid to be alone because he was afraid robbers would attack him.

Cain went looking for them and the boy Atun mistook him for a robber. I mean their land was “full of them” so maybe he didn’t recognize his own grandpa. Yeah right! Then Lambeth … remember he’s blind … has Atun point him in the direction of the “robber” and he shoots his father Cain in the side with an arrow. Now if I ever shot my old man in the side with an arrow he’d have had quite a bit to say to me. Not so Cain. Lameth the Blind then strikes Cain in the head with a stone from his sling … so hard that both Cain’s eyes pop out of his head and he falls to the ground dead, Atun the idiot tells Lameth that he’s just killed his father. This so angers Atun’s dad that he grabs his son and smashes his head with a rock until he’s dead. Like father, like son. It seems early historians wrote to be interesting and to pot with accuracy.

 

 

 


 

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Comments (1)

  1. 29A

    Fantastical. .
    But it wasn’t Satan who temped Eve, rather a talking snake.
    .
    Quit letting your minister do the difficult work…like reading the Bible for yourself..
    .
    God said, in the day you eat, you shall surely die.
    .
    The talking snake, called BS…
    .
    A&E lived long enough to reproduce.
    .
    Well god’s initial lie was that he created man in his image.
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    But it wasn’t A&E’s new found knowledge of good & evil that got them expelled from the garden…
    .
    …rather it was the possibility that they could also eat from the tree of eternal life, and become as gods…
    .
    Err, wait, hadn’t A&E already been created in god’s image???
    .
    Another thing you’ll never hear in church.

    September 07, 2017